Blog Every Day in May: Something Difficult

Day 16: Something difficult about your 'lot in life' and how you are working to overcome it.

This is where it starts getting personal...

When I think about 'lot in life' it makes me think of having difficulties with your health or finding a job or needing money, etc...things that are mostly out of your control.  For me, I feel grateful that I haven't had to experience some of those.  While I have suffered with infertility, my husband's health being compromised from that blood clot a few weeks ago, and struggled with finding a job years ago, I never felt like those were things I couldn't get myself out of...each time I felt like there was an action plan in place that I could follow.  But as I really forced myself to think about my 'lot in life' and something I've struggled with throughout my entire life, my relationships with other people came into clear focus.

Basically I feel like my lot in life is failing relationships.

Ouch...that one hurt a little bit.

I'm not talking at all about my marriage.  In fact, it is the one shining moment in a laundry list of messed up scenarios.  I'm not sure if Philip is eternally patient or if he just 'gets' me the way others may not...who knows, but God knows Philip has blessed my life in about a zillion different ways, and I am so lucky and possibly undeserving to have him as my friend, confidante, cheerleader, and life partner.

But, once again, I digress...

Let me just say without getting into the nitty-gritties of my sides of the stories that this track record not only includes friends, but also family members, and unfortunately at present time I can list out about three family members who aren't technically speaking to me, and an additional four that being around them sends me into a tailspin of anxiety.  Even as a therapist, I am at a loss as to what to do about these situations.

I can understand that friendships come and go in a natural progression - interests change, people change - and sometimes you chalk it up to not being on the same wavelength as that friend when you first met and you seriously believed you'd met your kindred spirit.  Most of the time geographical distance and shifting priorities are to blame, which is normal.  In these scenarios you hope the other person decides that the friendship is worth fighting for and you create a new normal, which may mean more work to actually MAKE it work...and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  But if you find yourself suddenly receiving the silent treatment and you don't know why...that's where it starts to get perplexing.  And while we tend to think blood is thicker than water...it doesn't always work that way in some families.

So...what am I doing to fix this? Well, in all honesty, nothing.  I've tried reaching out and that hasn't been received well, and I avoid putting a third party in the middle at all costs because I don't think that does much for anyone - especially the third party.  More than anything right now, my exercise has been to stop caring so much what people think because I'm never going to please everyone...which, for a perfectionist and people pleaser like me, is a struggle each day.

I read a great quote by Gwyneth Paltrow in USA Today this week, she said:
'I'm a real lightening rod.  People project a lot of stuff onto me. It's nothing to do with me.  I don't read stuff about myself. I feel like it's none of my business.'

So that's the approach I've been trying to take.  Unless I know I've done something to deliberately hurt someone, I have to understand that it's probably not about me.  Their feelings and what they think about me are really none of my business.  If I've tried to help the situation and can't do anything else about it, then it's up to me to change the way I look at it.  (There's your Viktor Frankl again!)

I hope I'm not the only person that struggles with these things...but I am so thankful that I've been blessed in the ways that I have, and I think when we are aware of our blessings and the things we can be thankful for, we can live such a rich life no matter our 'lot in life.'


PS> In case you missed Day 15 (A Day in the Life), check it out here.